Myths about self-compassion
What self-compassion is not
So often when introducing self-compassion in session, there are a lot of misunderstandings about what it is and how it works. Here are a few of the most common myths I’ve encountered with regard to self-compassion:
It will make me lazy. In our society, we often think of the “tough love” mentality and being harsh with ourselves and others as a form of motivation. When people first consider being gentle and kind to themselves, they fear they will no longer be motivated or be able to get things done. Truth is, being kind and gentle actually makes it easier to get things done. Rather than beating yourself up over something or trying to bully yourself into getting it done, gently consider what is keeping you from doing it and how you can work through that. For example, if you have a big project due at work and have been procrastinating you may tend to fall into the pattern of “Just get up and do it. Stop being so lazy and actually do something for once.” Instead, talk to yourself the way you may talk to a child struggling with a similar issue. You may say something like “I know it is tough, it feels like a lot of pressure. Let’s come up with a plan to get it done. You’ve done things like this in the past and been successful, so I’m sure we can do the same with this.”
It is the same as toxic positivity. This is an interesting one. Toxic positivity essentially says “be happy and positive no matter what” while ignoring the real world factors that lead to depression, burn out, and negativity. Self-compassion does not ignore these factors, it simply says you don’t have to blame yourself for everything. In fact, self-compassion is not about being positive all the time. It is about letting yourself have those feelings and not judging them. For example, you may be feeling sad after a break up. Self-criticism says “Get over it, you weren’t even together that long. Wow, you’re being so dramatic, get it together.” Toxic positivity says “It’s actually for the best. Things are actually really fine.” while things are far from fine. Self-compassion says “This is really hard. You’re really feeling hurt. It’s okay to be sad, mad, or whatever other feeling you’re having. Take your time to grieve, no matter the length or intensity of the relationship.” Do you hear the difference? I can say for myself, I would much rather someone talk to me like the last one rather than the first two.
It doesn’t hold me accountable. This myth is related to the thought that if you are kind to yourself, you allow yourself to do whatever you want without consequences. This is just not the case. With self-compassion, you are recognizing that you made a mistake or did something you wish you hadn’t. The difference is in the way you hold yourself accountable. Rather than beating yourself up and punishing yourself for whatever the mistake is, you recognize what you did and plan to do better in the future. Self-compassion is absolutely not about saying that you can do whatever you want without concern for the way it affects you and others. It simply says you are going to make mistakes and that is human. Rather than ruminating about the mistake, you forgive yourself and create a plan for change.
It feels like a lie. This one comes up a lot when talking about self-compassion and positive self-talk. When you first start to change the way you talk to yourself, it can feel awkward and weird. Similar to learning any new skill, it takes some practice and time to get used to. It may feel weird or like you are not being authentic when you change from being negative and self-loathing to being kind and gentle with yourself. The best thing to do here is to keep practicing and start small. Rather than jumping full force into positive self-talk, start with small reminders in the midst of your regular self-talk. When you start to hear that critical voice take over, add a compassionate statement in there as well. You can build from there until the compassionate talk outweighs the critical talk. You may be surprised what a difference it can make in your overall mood and outlook.